What if Structure was Dynamic?
Let’s reclaim the term “structure” as a dynamic sustainable practice.
The word “Structure” can be scary. It may trigger certain memories of a fourth grade teacher with a very stern brow. My neurodiverse followers understand structure as a necessary step in their comprehensive treatment plan, but the stigma of “limited executive function” identifies us as people unable to obtain structure. A lose-lose scenario. We try structure as a carb-free diet or an organized rainbow pantry that has strict compliance with immediate results. In these familiar programs the results are exciting but they wear out our self-control within weeks leaving us defeated. Structure feels like unrealistic rules and regulations that promise a better outlook but are impossible to uphold, a static lifestyle that does not include play or leave room for rest. Two very important tasks that keep self-control from being exhausted. Yet self-control is the very tool needed to maintain structure.
In my lifetime, I have experienced eating disorders, budget battles, and other ADHD challenges that seemed impossible to overcome. When you take a closer look at each of these issues, you can find similarities in the ping pong game of control. The pendulum swings from overeating or impulsive shopping to strict budgeting and dieting. These were always the only two options due to my impulsive yet perfectionistic nature. I thought my brain would always be in a constant state of chaos. The only way I found to tame it was strict compliance. Play and creativity were categorized as chaotic and unwelcome in my need for order. I stopped painting, I sold my craft closet, and I narrowed shopping to solely the kids or family needs. Anytime I would rest I felt shameful and lazy. It had no place in the “get-shit-done” mentality happening in the compliance side of my brain. There was always a battle, impulse versus control. Neither side won and neither was content. My life would be a long journey of overcompensating control for impulsivity.
Sound familiar? If this is you, I am here to tell you that the story does not end there. What if structure was not a wall of rules and regulations that crumble when self-control is depleted?
Instead structure, as defined here at The Lifestyle AR, is a dynamic pattern of work, play, and rest constantly tweaked as needs change and grow. It is the creation of tools (systems, boundaries, rules, routines, etc.) needed in your daily life with an understanding of the balance between functional strategies, physical needs, and allowing what your unique person and current situation can handle. When one needs more attention, we tweak the structure to allow for the need. This balance gives us a dynamic structure that will transcend obstacles and promote a functional life.
The Shoe Example:
What does a dynamic structure practically look like in your life? Great question! Let’s talk about the hypothetical example of a person who is struggling with losing their shoes. When a problem is consistent, we first and foremost avoid shame. KC Davis in her book “How to Keep House While Drowning” discusses taking morality out of care tasks. She states, “ Care tasks are morally neutral. Being good or bad at them has nothing to do with being a good or bad person, parent, man, woman, spouse, friend. Literally nothing. You are not a failure because you can’t keep up with laundry. Laundry is morally neutral.” Side note: this book is fantastic and I recommend it to all my clients.
In the same way, losing your shoes is also morally neutral. It is not a reflection of your person. In this context, shame has no place here. Shame should be directed six feet under. The shoe situation is, in turn, a structure problem. One that needs restructuring or refining allowing your life to have functionality.
Building a dynamic structure includes work, play, and rest.
Work: To create a structure we must first do the “work” to understand the problem and come up with a functional solution. With shoes, it is typically a “home” issue. We toss shoes somewhere between where we enter and where we end up (ie. the front door and typically the kitchen). This problem is simple, the shoes have no home. We get creative and come up with a new home: a basket by the front door to put shoes in. Now we can implement a pattern of dropping shoes into the basket when we enter the home. Congratulations, you created the first system in your structure: a shoe system. We categorize this system creation and action into the work category of your structure.
Play: Most people, but especially the neurodiverse, those suffering in depression, PTSD, or individuals in the midst of major life changes, are more likely to adopt new behaviors if it spikes their dopamine levels and adding play to the mix is a great way to do this. We may want an aesthetically pleasing basket because that makes the work fun, so we look at our budget and go shopping. If budget is an issue, we use our creative side and make a basket out of a Costco box, that one we already needed to flatten that is sitting by the front door! It is helpful when implementing new patterns of behavior to create a reward system. They motivate you to remember the new task by giving it a game-like feel. To add to this dopamine kick, we gamify the system, maybe we get a new pair of shoes if we put our current shoes in the basket 3 times a week for 2 weeks. With the fancy basket and reward system, we have now added play into our structure.
Rest: At this point, we have worked by creating and implementing a new system, we have played by going shopping for a new basket as well as made the system a game to get an award. Now, by inserting margins and accountability, we allow for “rest” in our structure. Being easily distracted or extremely busy, we may need some help getting our shoes into the basket. Maybe a parent, spouse, or roommate can help remind us to put our shoes in the basket when we have had an extremely stressful day and our executive functioning is depleted. The lifestyle AR has accountability meetings just for this reason! In our hypothetical structure, we decide that during exam week, we offer ourselves grace by not focusing on the shoe system for a few days. Instead, we plan for a system reset when our energy levels are back. Our system can continue without guilt or shame. With scheduled rest and an understood grace, we are able to allow for imperfections and the reality of a busy life. When structures are not working, we do not scrap the whole system, we simply refine our rest portion to include little breaks, margins, or accountability to meet the needs of our mental capacity.
A cure-all structure will not provide longevity or sustainability in our ever-changing lives. When self-control is exhaustible we run out of motivation to continue. Because of this, when we see problem areas in our lives we must implement dynamic structures addressing our needs for work, play, and rest. When we start to see an issue with a system, instead of giving up, restructure! Tweak the structures and refine them ever so slightly to adjust for what is needed. By dialing in one or two areas within our structure, we create balance and can continue with our patterns.
It’s time to separate the idea of compliance to strict rules from the term “Structure.” Let go of the quick-fix mentality and embrace balance, understanding that an identity of structure looks like this: “I am a person with dynamic structures in my life because it is essential to maintain physical health while balancing my mental needs and desires.”
